I lay here, waiting to die
Looking ahead at the room but not seeing it
Waiting…
My mind racing.
I can see my loved ones around me
In the peripheral vision of my glazed eyes
As I stare straight ahead at nothing.
I would look straight through them anyway
I am too weak…
To even turn my head, to look upon them.
I am transfixed
Seemingly in and out of cognition
Yet always thinking…
How cruel the mind!
My life plays back
In that mind’s eye
How I wish the relentless thoughts could stop
I consider myself a Driver
Of a vehicle that is now worn out
Pushed to the side of the road.
I will leave it soon to go home
No luggage or possessions will go with me, nor even the clothes I wear.
Only memories and the love in my heart
Home?
What does it mean?
Will it be Alien to me?
My home is with my loved ones here, yet I know I must eventually leave them
Near Death, I realise how cruel ‘life’ is
To them…
And to me.
I despair.
They can never see me in my physical form again
I can never hold, touch or even speak to them?
Better to have lived than not?
I don’t know.
Thinking about it alarms me, brings tears to my eyes!
They dry the tears running down my cheek
But they cannot heal my heart
Slowly breaking from inside out.
How did I get to this?
I know I must go but I don’t want to!
Will it be soon?
I am afraid.
But worse than that…
I am missing my loved ones before I have even left them.
More tears at this thought.
Oh my God it is a vicious cycle!
Still my mind will not rest…
My breathing becomes laboured.
I want to tell them I love them
But I have not the strength to speak
Even to look at them and smile? No.
The strength is ebbing…
I feel it!
Hard now, to even think.
I see the light
Fading it is
My eyes they are closing…
I feel my weight lifted
The tearing of Body and Soul
As I exhale for the last time…
Love and Peace
AlanC x
Sometimes we must see things from the perspective of the other person, in order to know what best to do for them!
